dailydouchebag

Dan Brown

2006-05-18T18:26:00.000-04:00

OK, so I haven't read the DaVinci Code, but I have read Angels and Demons, and it was a shitty book. The subject may be intriguing, but Dan Brown is a crappy writer. One thing that got under my skin in Angels and Demons was the protagonist, who I assume is loosely (or not so loosely) based on the author. I just don't buy the premise of a nerdy biblical sholar who all of a sudden becomes 007, solves the caper, and gets the girl.

What if he were an accountant? The book would read like this:

Dan Brown was a successful accountant who managed to stay in shape and hold on to his dignified good looks. Dan is thrown into the thick of a murder mystery at Arthur Anderson's International headquarters, with far reaching implications. It turns out that Arthur Anderson is not an accounting firm at all, but a decades old conspiracy to elevate the children of the Third Reich to positions of power worldwide. Dan is the only one with the knowledge of forensic accounting to break the conspiracy wide open. He audits the books and summons more strength and courage than he thought possible, to shatter Arthur Andersons web of lies. To complicate matters, Dan becomes entangled with a sexy female accountant who holds the key to solving the accounting irregularities. In the end, Dan prevails and wins the heart of the woman. They live happily ever after, until the next adventure.

Dan Brown has become a very wealthy man, so maybe I'm the douchebag here. In any case, his books suck.

Douchebag Development

2006-05-17T22:37:00.000-04:00

They're gonna build this on Oconee St.? The real douchebags here aren't the developers, but the idiots that buy these condos. The future residents will be very disappointed when they walk out of their complex to take a stroll around the neighborhood. They'll be looking for the usual accoutrements of a mixed use development. Instead, they'll meet some patrons of the nearest package store asking if they have a "loosey." Ahh, good times.

Mike "no fun" Adams

2006-05-15T22:53:00.000-04:00

Mike Adams continues his crusade against fun. He's trying to get rid of the "largest outdoor cocktail party in the world" tagline for the Georgia/Florida game. The network that covers the game has already told Adams that they have every right to use the phrase.

Adams has got to do something to help his "crusty old Dean Adams" image. To quote Jeremy Pivin in PCU "It's about the Bill of Rights, basic cable, call waiting, and free trips to the salad bar. It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country!"

Note to Adams: you can call the event whatever you want, but changing the name won't prevent the righteous excess of booze and football, jean shorts, mullets, cheesy music, and sex in the Port-a-John, that is the largest outdoor cocktail party in the world.

I wish I was in the land of cotton...

2006-05-13T09:44:00.000-04:00

The guy on the left is racist asshat #1. I'll get to racist asshat #2 in a moment. Winston McCuen is a High School teacher in South Carolina. He's in the news for publicly stating that blacks are intellectually inferior to whites. When asked if he thought slavery in America was a good thing, he said "yes....they were coming out of the jungles, they had been enslaving each other for centuries in Africa, and in terms of being used to rule of law, they knew none of that." I'm fed up with douchebags like McCeun reinforcing the conviction of many people that the south is a backward, cultural vacuum. Unfortunately, there's someone even more embarrassing for the south in the news today.

Racist asshat #2 is Larry Darby, candidate for Attorney General of Alabama. Darby has publicly denied the Holocaust. He thinks he can gain widespread support of Alabama voters by trying to "reawaken white racial awareness." Darby, by the way, is a Democrat. I hope there's a special ring in hell for McCuen and Darby, a place where ABBA is played on loop, the only recreation is jai alai, and the only web browser is Internet Explorer.

Douchebags!

Dbag Roundup: Double Murderer edition

2006-05-12T09:06:00.000-04:00

Everyone's favorite double-murderer is in the news today. OJ spoofs his bronco chase on a show called "Juiced." Let's hope he gives the money to the Goldman family as part of the $33 million that he owes them.

Dbag Update: Laura Mallory loses her fight to ban Harry Potter books in public schools. In a rare example of good judgement, the Gwinnett county school system decides that Mallory is full of shit.

Arizona Sherriff's Dept. posse nets a whopping 1 arrest outside of Pheonix. Lookin' good guys, the black ski masks make you look particularly Klan-like.

This Guy

2006-05-11T12:29:00.000-04:00

This guy is a douchebag. Well, maybe he isn't, I don't know much about him. I do know that he was voted off of American Idol yesterday to the surprise of millions of viewers.

This Daughtry guy may or may not be a douchebag, but the millions of people who watch American Idol in a trancelike state each week certainly are. Don't you people have anything better to do than watched this manufactured garbage?

Please, go outside, get some exercise, spend time with your kids, learn a new language, read a fucking book. Get off your asses and find something better to do than waste what precious little time you have on this earth watching American Idol.

Sonny Did

2006-05-10T10:48:00.000-04:00

You've seen the ads.... Who had the courage to teach Sunday School and marry his high school sweetheart? Sonny did. Blah Blah Blah.

Sonny will be hard to beat in November. Aside from screwing up our school system, Sonny hasn't done much while in office. That's why the ad focuses on Sonny's background and accomplishments before he became Governor, instead of his current record of doing nothing. Good strategy Sonny.
The image above was sent to me courtesy of Publius from AthPo. I've heard several parodies of the ad. My favorites thus far:

1. Who once ate 9.7 pounds of pork barbecue in one sitting? Sonny did.
2. Who singlehandedly solved the mystery of the JFK assassination, but withheld the facts because the public wasn't ready to know? Sonny did.
3. Who successfully prosecuted Sirhan Sirhan for the murder of RFK? Sonny did.

Feel free to comment with your "Sonny did" facts.

The Talkmaster

2006-05-09T23:01:00.000-04:00

This Dbag, yours truly, has been away for a while. Personal, self -absorbed bullshit has taken precedence over this blog. However, something that I heard on the radio has enticed me to renew my efforts at dbag hunting. That something, is the shameless pandering to the conservative base that Boortz has been engaged in for the last several weeks. Boortz has called illegal immigrants "home invaders," and framed our illegal immigrant problem as the "reconquista" of the US. He has also called for a giant wall between the US and Mexico.

I'm usually willing to cut Boortz some slack, as he presents a somewhat different viewpoint from the regular assholes on the talk radio scene. Unfortunately, his take on the illegal immigration issue makes him a bona fide resident of Dbagistan. The reconquista line is a heaping helping of BS. Illegals that come to this country aren't driven by a cultural/political agenda, they come here for economic and social opportunities. As a resident of Georgia, Boortz should also be aware that a large percentage of Georgia's immigrants are from Central America and not Mexico.

I don't know if he actually believes what he preaches, but pandering to the ignorant, mouth-breathing, bigoted, close minded, nutjob, troglodytes that lap up the bullshit spouted on conservative talk radio is unacceptable. Shame Boortz, shame.

Gwinnett County woman embarrasses Georgia

2006-04-20T10:22:00.000-04:00

The uptight bitch on the left is Laura Mallory. She wants to ban Harry Potter books in Gwinnett County Schools. Said the busybody, “I think the anti-Christian bias — it’s just got to stop,” Mallory said. “And if we don’t say something, we’ll just keep getting pushed out of the schools. And I pay taxes, too, and I think that gives me a voice to speak out about this.” With all of the bad publicity that Georgia has had in the news, runaway bride, courthouse shooting, Cynthia McKinney, immigration legislation, etc, lets hope that this story doesn't make national headlines.

Indonesia-sex crazed freedom haters.

2006-04-12T15:20:00.000-04:00

Indonesians don't want Playboy. Indonesians suck. They'll glady take our sex-tourism dollars but don't want our pornography. "The International Labour Organization reported its calculations that 2-14% of the gross domestic product of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Phillipines, and Thailand derives from sex tourism." I'm not a big fan of either sex-tourism or Playboy, but If you've got the latter, the former doesn't seem so bad. H/T to DoubleDawgDareYa for bringing this one to my attention

New Poll Shows 56% of Americans are Dbags

2006-04-10T15:15:00.000-04:00

A recent poll from Time Magazine reveals that 56% of respondents favor building a wall that will cover the 2000 miles of the US/Mexican border. Evidently the house bill calling for a 700 mile fence didn't seem unreasonable enough.

This wall would be longer that Handrian's Wall (73 miles), The Maginot Line (only a few hundred kilometers), and about half the distance of the Great Wall of China (4,163 miles.)

From a historical perspective, giant walls haven't generally worked at keeping undesirables out. The Romans were betrayed by a "barbarian conspiracy" in the case of Hadrian's Wall. The French didn't consider that the Germans could walk into France via Belgium (just like they did in the first World War), and the Great Wall of China eventually failed.

The next logical step for these people would be to build a giant ocean wall. After the illegals are thwarted on land, they will naturally take to the sea. We can't let that happen. Of course, illegals still may be able to get through either one of those walls, so a preemptive invasion of Mexico is the safest course of action.

I have a suggestion for the idiots who want to build a massive border wall. Build a little wall around your house and never come out. That will keep those undesirable Hispanics out of your life, and will also keep your dumbass away from me. I'd be happy to pay for it with my tax dollars.

2006-04-10T12:46:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know, Ann Coulter again. Shooting fish in a barrel etc. But I saw this new book cover on Drudge and had to bring her back.

Coulter was advanced $3 million for this book by her publisher with a planned release date of 6/6/06.

She's sticking with the anorexic yet predatory pterodactyl look on the cover. Hooray for media whores!

Sam Jackson

2006-04-07T12:27:00.000-04:00

Sam Jackson must have some serious child support payments. That's the only way to explain his latest film "Snakes on a Plane."
That's right, it's a movie about and FBI agent (Jackson) who is escorting a mob witness to LA for a trial. The unconventional mob boss decides to kill the witness by unleashing a large amount of badass snakes on the plane.

The trailer starts off with Jackson saying "Enough is enough, (as he cocks his 9mm pistol), I've had it with these snakes!" It then pans to different shots of snakes killing people and Jackson in various states of ass kicking (snake ass that is). It took me about 10 minutes to convince myself that this was not a joke. See for yourself,

Trailer to Snakes on a Plane

This movie is proof of the decline of Western Civilization. Unfortunately, there will be legions of idiots lined up to consume this garbage at $7.50 per ticket. I can't wait for the sequel "Snakes on a bus." Dbags.

Brian Doyle

2006-04-05T10:23:00.000-04:00

The selection of today's dailydouchebag couldn't be more obvious. Brian Doyle, the deputy press secretary for the Department of Homeland Security, was arrested at his home yesterday for soliciting sex from a child online and for transmitting pornographic material.

Doyle thought he was talking to a 14 year old girl online but was actually talking to a Polk County, FL sheriff's Detective. "He graphically explained to a 14-year-old girl what he would like to do to her and what he would like her to do to him," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said.

Doyle is possibly the most inept child predator of all time. In an apparent attempt to impress the 14 year old girl, he clearly identified himself as Brian Doyle from the Department of Homeland Security. He asked her to buy a web cam and photograph herself. When he got home, sheriff's deputies were waiting to arrest him. He later admitted that he "likes young girls."

I can't believe the Department of Homeland Security was dumb enough to hire this guy as their press secretary. With his experience, one would think that Doyle would have been good enough at concealing information to have the sense to conceal his own identity when stalking children online. Maybe he wanted to be caught.

Good riddance to another d-bag.

DeLay

2006-04-04T11:07:00.000-04:00

Tom "The Hammer" Delay announced yesterday that he will end his reelection bid and step down from congress soon. The following is a brief list of Delay quotes with helpful translations.

DeLay: "I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative personal campaign,"
Translation: "I'm giving up and letting some other poor SOB try to win my seat."

DeLay: "It's time for me to go do something else,"
Translation: "I've run out of political options and will become a lobbyist if they let me."

DeLay: "I think I could have won the seat but it would have been nasty and cost a fortune to do it,"
Translation: "There is no way I could have won the race. With recent scrutiny on my fundraising activities, illegal fundraising would be very difficult."

DeLay: "I feel kind of excited, frankly,"
Translation: "I'm kind of glad this embarrassing nightmare is over"

DeLay: "I'm looking forward to being liberated outside the House, doing whatever I can to unify the conservative cause."
Translation: "I'm looking forward to fading away into obscurity"

DeLay: "This is totally a political operation, using our criminal justice system for political purposes and political gain,"
Translation: "Those Liberal bastards are using my own tactics against me better than I could"

DeLay:"This is probably the worst day of his (Democratic opponent Nick Lampson) campaign because he knows that any Republican who replaces me on the ballot will win this seat."
Translation: "Despite my earlier statements, almost any Republican is more electable than my sorry ass"

Goodbye D-bag. Happy trails.

MySpace

2006-04-03T13:25:00.000-04:00

MySpace.com is in the news today so I would like to take a few minutes to point out the dbaggery of the site and its users. Don’t get me wrong, there are some positive uses for MySpace. Reconnecting with old friends or keeping track of old enemies can be fun. Unfortunately, the positive features are outweighed by the constant stream of BS that is Myspace.

Just a few reasons why MySpace is for d-bags:

1. People will “trick out” their profiles with templates and add-ons. Cutesy little personality tests clutter up the screen and advertise the shallow, vacuous qualities of the profilee. An example:

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy.
But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

No, you are not an appletini, you’re an idiot.

The number of friends one has is tied to status. This leads to people adding virtual strangers to their friends list who they will never talk to. A sad, waste of time.
Constant friend requests from crappy bands or web-cam prostitutes are also annoying.

If you are a MySpace user, I implore you to stop. If you want to contact your friends, shoot them an e-mail or better yet, give them an old fashioned phone call.

Studies can tell us what we already know: Study Shows

2006-04-02T11:57:00.000-04:00

The gratuitous reporting of study results has gone out of control. Here are a few study related headlines in the news today.

Study: Prayer didn't help sick
I'm glad someone finally answered that pressing scientific question. It only cost Harvard $2.4 million to figure it out.

Smoking and drinking increase risk of colon cancer
This study really came as a surprise.

Sugary drinks can eat your child's teeth
Breaking news: regular brushing and flossing also beneficial to dental health

Drinking may not have health benefits
The latest round in dueling studies that suggest moderate alcohol consumption may or may not be good for you.

Cell phone use can increase risk of brain tumors
I'll never use one again.

Antarctica is warming
No shit! Thanks National Geographic

Women aren't big fans of one night stands
This one is my favorite. This groundbreaking "study" suggests that women may actually be seeking committed, loving relationships. I never could have figured this out on my own. I'll have to rework my entire dating strategy.

Where would we be without studies?

The CCSD, now with 16% more sex

2006-03-31T10:13:00.000-05:00

Sexual assault is a problem. A big problem. Chances are, we all know someone who has been affected by it. That's why I was infuriated when I read this story in the ABH yesterday. A 49 year old parapro claims she was sexually molested by a 7 year old student. She was supervising the lunch room when: "One of the boys allegedly grabbed the parapro's legs and ran his hands up to touch her crotch, police said." The woman filed a complaint with the Clarke County School District, and has since filed a complaint with the police department. I wouldn't be surprised to see a lawsuit against the CCSD soon to follow.

What makes this story particularly frustrating is that it delegitimizes real sexual assaults. Was this woman so incapable of handling the "advances" of a 7 year old boy, that she found it necessary to get the police involved? Did she consider that the 7 year old who committed these actions may have some emotional/developmental problems that could be best handled without police involvement? I'm guessing that the answer is no. Now this boy will face possible criminal charges and expulsion. Maybe the woman is a total basketcase who is unable to deal with an awkward situation with a pre-pubescent boy, but more likely she is a woman who's seeking financial gain. Either way she's a dbag for making this a sexual assault issue.

D-bag Roundup: K-Fed and C-Mac

2006-03-30T11:07:00.000-05:00

Titanic D-bag Kevin Federline is actually covered in an ABH Story today regarding the release of his new rap album. Ridicule and shame will soon follow. Also, anyone who gives this guy money by purchasing his garbage is a d-bag.

Perennial embarrassment to Georgians, Cynthia McKinney, also grabs headlines for allegedly assaulting a DC cop. Wonkette covers the story.

Hannidate Thursday

2006-03-30T09:19:00.000-05:00

"BuffaloHands" (his Hannidate profile name) wins the Hannidate profile of the week award. He's an ordained minister and likes to call his bible study group "Saturday Night Live."

It's getting more and more difficult to tell which of these profiles are fake and which are real.

Enjoy.

Bob Smith

2006-03-29T15:02:00.000-05:00

Bob Smith is trying to cram through a bill to limit the length of county commission meetings with just 2 days left in the legislative session. The bill would make sure that government meetings end at midnight. Smith states that the bill isn't aimed specifically at Athens, but he does say that he has received complaints from this area. The ACC commission has had 6 meetings that have extended past midnight this year. JMAC covers the whole thing nicely.

Message to Bob Smith. Stop being a D-bag. If we want to have embarrassingly long commission meetings, that's our business. Get the sand out of your tighty-whiteys and please stick to your own area of government.

Village People dude not doin' so good

2006-03-28T18:07:00.000-05:00

Village People "Cop" arrested on Drug and Gun Charges.
He was captured yesterday after he skipped bail and is facing 5 years. D-B-A-G

Ralph Reed Nuggets

2006-03-27T20:47:00.000-05:00

Whenever I think it's impossible for Ralph Reed to be more of a tool, fresh news of his d-baggery is revealed, reinforcing my conviction that he is the biggest asshat in the universe. The AJC reported that because he was able to conceal the identity of his clients past the statute of limitations, he has evaded prosecution for illegaly lobbying in Texas.

Check out NPR's 6 Degrees of Jack Abramoff

Reed's best quote:

"Hey, now that I'm done with the electoral politics, I need to start humping in corporate accounts! I'm counting on you to help me with some contacts."

-- Reed, in an e-mail to Abramoff, November 1998

What a D-bag

Stacey

2006-03-27T11:59:00.000-05:00

Stacey Reece (R-Gainesville) had a wedding shower. The event cost $1,091 and was be paid for by 21 lobbyists, half of whom brought gifts. Aren't wedding showers something most men avoid like flesh eating bacteria? More importantly, why is Reece letting the lobbyists pay for this relatively inexpensive function? Most politicians are image conscious about their ties to lobbyists right now so inviting a bunch of them to a wedding shower isn't the brightest move. I hope the towels from Bed Bath & Beyond were worth it.

AJC Story

2006-03-25T15:19:00.000-05:00

Hasselhoff

He denies beating his wife, but I'll assume he's guilty anyway.

Fun no longer legal in Texas

2006-03-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

This might be one of biggest D-bag moves in the history of mankind.

Texas Alcohol Beverage Commission officials are going under cover in bars and ticketing individuals who they deem drunk, even if they have no intention of driving. One man was ticketed while walking to his hotel room after having a few beers at the hotel bar. No breathalyzer test is required, so officers can arrest anyone who they decide is drunk. They aren't just writing tickets, they are taking people to jail. This new effort gives D-bag pseudo-cops way to much power to arbitrarily arrest people. I won't be traveling to Dallas anytime soon.

The Hannitization of the Dekalb Police Dept.

2006-03-24T12:21:00.000-05:00

ABH: Bumper sticker a ticket to free speech fight

Dekalb police take a break from ticketing folks for Driving While Black to issue a citation for the bumper sticker pictured on the left. When the officer started to lecture Ms. Grier, she cut him off and asked for the ticket which he issued for the “lewd” bumper sticker. Bushit isn’t a word and “lewd” tends to have a sexual connotation so Dekalb police will have egg on their face if this one goes to court.

A hearty D-bag salute goes out to the officer that’s responsible for this.

Phil Spector

2006-03-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

It's good to see that Spector is taking his murder trial seriously. He must be going for the "yes I am crazy enough to kill that model" look.

I don't think Spector will be nicknamed "The Hammer of C Block" when he's sent to prison.

D-bag Update

2006-03-23T05:18:00.000-05:00

Former D-bag of the day Chip Rogers is none to happy that a local Hispanic newspaper has printed photos of his home. The article also included a map with directions. The paper hasn't been named, but Rogers believes it was done to intimidate him and his family.

Rogers blames this on "those who would stop at nothing to continue to profit from illegal labor."

11 Alive story

Hannidate: part deux

2006-03-23T05:06:00.000-05:00

This Guy wins the Hannidate potential serial killer of the week award. "Boyscout," yes that's his Hannidate profile name, enjoys ping pong, Rush, and Sean (of course). He is willing to shave his mustache if the right woman asks.

Look out ladies!!!

Afghanistan

2006-03-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

CNN: Death could await Christian convert

Abdul Rahman faces the death penalty in Afghanistan for converting to Christianity. The Afghan constitution, based on Sharia law, allows the application of the death penalty for apostates. Rahman’s case is unclear because the constitution also specifies that “Followers of other religions are free to exercise their faith and perform their religious rites within the limits of the provisions of law.”

The U.S. and allies are pissed off and President Karzai is caught in the middle. Karzai is maintaining neutrality on the case although he would have to authorize the execution if Rahman is convicted. Rep Tom Lantos wrote to Karzai stating, "In a country where soldiers from all faiths, including Christianity, are dying in defense of your government, I find it outrageous that Mr. Rahman is being prosecuted and facing the death penalty for converting to Christianity." German officials have even threatened intervention if Rahman is found guilty.

The Afghan Government seems to be clinging to the destructive Islamic mentality of the Taliban. Way to go D-bags.

Western Europe

2006-03-21T15:22:00.000-05:00

All of this havoc in Western Europe leads me to believe that Americans are a lot better off than the French and Spanish; or they just might be bigger d-bags than us. Protests in France have turned violent in recent days, when presumably unemployed students took to the streets. What caused sll of this anger that turned to violence?........ Employment reform.

The new law that's causing the protests allows employers to lay off workers under 25 who have been employed less than 2 years. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I wonder what they would do if they had to live under Georgia's "right to work" laws. These protests seem particularly unreasonable coming so soon on the heels of the violent Muslim rioting.

The kids in Spain know how to fight for their rights.... To Party. Youth all over Spain engaged in mass "Botellones" to protest new laws that prevent them from getting drunk in public. Evidently they're too poor to buy drinks in bars, so they buy a lot of booze and get loaded in town centers. This has led to a number of problems. Increased injuries, sexual assaults, and of course the overwhelming odor of urine and vomit, have prompted lawmakers to crack down on this public boozing. At least we can afford to get ridiculously drunk in BARS in America.

If you combine the incidents in France and Spain with the "Pounds for Peerages" scandal in the UK, Western Europe isn't looking too good this week.

Secondary D-bag for today: This guy

Here are some blasts from the past by him:

Editorial on FEMA chief was 'almost laughable'

Cartoon of soldier was in poor taste

Wah wah wah. Words are hurting the feelings of the president and soldiers. It is a good thing the soldiers on the battlefield are out of touch* when it comes to current news, otherwise they would be crying all the time because of letters to the editor and political cartoons.

*Not badmouthing soldiers, just stating a fact. They get orders and carry em out - very little news gets to them.

Special thanks to Ned for providing this one

Dbags for Monday: Part Deux

2006-03-20T21:12:00.000-05:00

Shiite pilgrims observe the 40th day of mourning for the Prophet's grandson. (photo from Drudge). These guys take their mourning pretty seriously. It's good to know that the U.S. is supplying instruments for self flagellation. I'm glad we didn't have to do this for St. Patrick's day.

Mother Nature

2006-03-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

Today's D-bag courtesy of Publius from AthPo.

Thanks to GP for letting me guest-blog today's daily douchebag.

Today's douchebag is none other than good ol' Mother Nature herself. Face it folks, you've got wildfire conditions in Texas, a huge snowstorm trundling through the Midwest, severe storms and tornados in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama, and did I mention that it's about 40 degrees here in Georgia? That's some world-class climatic douchebaggery.

Thanks a lot, Mother Nature, for ruining the first day of Spring in most of the US. Way to go, mythical d-bag.

Sensattional revolution in meedicine!

2006-03-19T08:41:00.000-05:00

"Fran Suarez" sent me this e-mail:

-Sensattional revolution in meedicine! -Enlarge your p`enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches! -It's herbal solution what hasn't side effect, but has 100% guaranteeed results! -Don`'t loose your chance and but know wihtout doubts,, you will be impressed with results!!!!

It's an exciting development, but it leaves several questions unanswered. How did Fran know that I was dissatisfied with the size of my p' enis and that enlarge up to 10cm or 4 inches! was exactly the kind of increase I was looking for? I'm wary of using "drugs" prescribed by "doctors" so its good to know that It's herbal solution what hasn't side effect. The 100% guaranteeed is also very reassuring. I don't have any more time to write this post because I Don `'t want to loose my chance to be Impressed with results!!!

I don't know who bothers me more, the d-bag spammers that send this stuff, or the pathetic individuals who respond to these emails and keep the spammers in business. Thanks D-bags.

Tom Cruise and Scientology

2006-03-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

Several media outlets are reporting that Tom Cruise is responsible for Comedy Central's decision to pull the airing of the "Trapped in the Closet" South Park episode. The theory is that Cruise threatened to stop promoting Mission Impossible III, which is owned by Comedy Cental's parent company Viacom, unless the episode was pulled. This story follows Isaac Hayes' departure because of the show's "mocking of religion."

This cult-like "religion" is exercising control over it's followers, Cruise and Hayes, by using them to silence critics of scientology. Scientologists also use drawn out litigation as a tool to discourage criticism.

Scientologists believe:

1. The evil lord Xenu is imprisoned on a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery.

2. Christianity was an evil operation mounted by beings called Targs.

3. Psychology is evil.

What a bunch of Douches.

Sexual Assault?

2006-03-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

Chicago Sun Times: Man Severs Own Penis, Throws It At Officers.

Jakub Fik takes the D-bag honors today for throwing his own bloody penis at the cops. The man was having problems with his girlfriend and went on a destructive rampage in a suburb of Chicago. When confronted by the police, he started throwing knives at the officers. When he ran out of knives, he threw his own penis. He then went into his house to get more knives. The police gave him the Taser treatment and took him into custody. They were nice enough to retrieve his penis and take it to the hospital where it was eventually reattached. No police were harmed by the penis.

The Pentagon

2006-03-16T17:35:00.000-05:00

That's right, the pentagon is the D-bag of the day. Well...not exactly the pentagon itself, but their new cyborg insect plan. The info-graphic on the left isn't fake, it's from a bona fide BBC story.

The plan is to build an army of cyborg insects that can be remotely controlled to check out explosives and other stuff. What will this cost, you ask? Only a mere 2 billion dollars. The fact that the military is developing "cyborgs" makes me a little bit nervous. Fortunately, experts say that this project is ludicrous and will fail. Who needs body armor when you've got cyborg butterflies?

Star Wars VII- The Quest For More Money

2006-03-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

George Lucas has decided to write a Star Wars television series. Filming is projected to begin in 2008 with a planned release later that year. Younger readers might not be aware that Lucas used to make good movies, such as American Graffiti, and the first three Star Wars films. In an attempt to destroy his reputation and credibility, Lucas released the final three movies in the Star Wars saga. He managed to destroy these promising movies with awkward halting dialogue, and characters like Jar Jar Binks. His new television series promises to make Lucas an even more grotesque caricature of the competent filmmaker that he once was.

Attention Target Shoppers

2006-03-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

Claude Allen sits high atop Mount D-bag this week. He was arrested on Thursday for theft related to fraudulent returns and refunds at several department stores. A police investigation revealed 25 separate instances of obtaining refunds with receipts for items he had already purchased. Allen resigned last month as Bush's top domestic policy advisor citing a desire to "spend more time with family." He admitted today that he had made fraudulent returns at a Target store on January 2.

This story is particularly delightful because Allen is an extremely self righteous D-bag who believes sex education should only be teaching abstinence, and who has been called a "notorious homophobe" by his political opponents. This episode of adolescent thrill seeking will cost him his career at the price of a few items from Target. Way to go Claude!

Campbell Prosecution

2006-03-12T19:42:00.000-05:00

Today's D-bag is not former Atlanta mayor Bill Campbell, but the bumbling federal prosecutors who were unable to convict him of serious charges. Campbell was found guilty of three counts of tax evasion but was cleared corruption and racketeering charges.

Said one juror, " ....on the corruption, we kind of figured he was guilty, but they couldn't prove it. So we couldn't convict." Despite an overwhelming amount of evidence, the prosecution, led by Assistant U.S. Attorney Sally Yates, was unable to convince the jury to convict on federal RICO charges. This leads to the assumption that either the jury was stupid or the prosecution inept.

Other D-bags in the news this weekend include- State Rep. Chip Rogers (R-Woodstock) who shepherded SB 529 through the senate, and former genocidal maniac Slobadan Milosevic who grabbed headlines by dying in prison.

On The Record

2006-03-10T11:02:00.000-05:00

Greta Van Susteren annoys me. Her popular show, On The Record, endlessly covers the stories of missing or murdered white women. Does anyone really care that much about Natalie Holloway? If so, why? I can't decide who is more of a D-bag, Greta or the millions of viewers who mindlessly watch her irrelevant show. Greta is also a scientologist, which automatically gives her an honorary degree from D-bag University.

Sonny

2006-03-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

For attempting to destroy as much local control over schools as possible by setting arbitrary statewide standards, Sonny gets today's D-bag award. After passing his 65% solution to "funding problems", Sonny goes one step further by setting mandatory class size limits. This bill will create a number of problems. Gwinnett county, a school system that already has over 1000 trailer classrooms, will have to build an additional 500 to be in compliance with the law. Please find a better re-election strategy Sonny. AJC article.

Hannidate

2006-03-08T21:24:00.000-05:00

Hey Ladies. Looking for a date? As long as you don't work for the government, and of course aren't "colored", here's your man. This Hannidate profile is the D-bag winner of the week.

Crystal Hills Brawl

2006-03-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

AJC reports Crystal Hills Brawl. The D-bag award today is split between Mason Bently (pictured on left in his 1975 high school photo) and UGA Regent Donald Leeburn Jr. It looks like the 68 year old Leeburn beat the 49 year old Bently severely. Bently was taken to the hospital and treated for a broken nose and a punctured and collapsed lung. To make the story even more bizarre, the whole thing was witnessed by UGA Gymnastics coach Suzanne Yoculan. The incident started with an argument over their dogs barking and quickly escalated. Leeburn told the police that after the fight, Bently threatened to retreive his AK-47 from his house. Leeburn has been in the news for using the UGA name in his wine business in violation of the Regents policy. These D-bags have set a fine example for all of us.

Yanni

2006-03-07T09:30:00.000-05:00

Washington Post reports Yanni Arrested in Alleged Dispute.

It appears that he told his younger girlfriend to get out of his house and then slapped her. The article reports that he may have injured his hand in the dispute. One word....Classy.

Eggs and Issues

2006-03-06T13:18:00.000-05:00

The Hartwell Sun reports that Nancy Schaefer (R-Turnerville) made a strange comment at an Eggs and Issues meeting on Saturday.

Commenting on illegal immigration, Schaefer said 50 million abortions have been performed in this country, causing a shortage of cheap American labor. "We could have used those people,"she said.

This implies that those pesky poor people are depriving the state of a cheap labor source by shortsightedly ending their unwanted pregnancies. Nancy is expected to sponsor "SB789-A modest proposal" this week, Also known as the Soylent Green initiative.

Ann

2006-03-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

Ann Coulter takes the honors of being the first female D-bag of the day, although her large hands and prominent adam's apple leave some doubts. Coulter has a long list of D-bag accomplishments. A primary theme of her book Treason, was the portrayal of Joseph McCarthy as a great American hero. She also stated in an interview that "Joe McCarthy is the deceased person I admire most." Her other political stances include, a statement of support for public flogging of juveniles, the assertion that it would be a better country if women did not vote, and a defense of killing civilians in war. She's in the news this week for a speech she gave at Indiana University titled "Liberals Are Wrong About Everything." In the speech she claimed that liberals "hate god and hate America", and called an audience member "gay boy" in response to his question. Unfortunately, this will probably result in more book sales for Ann by people who for some reason find her witty and attractive. More here.

Gay Penguins Strike Again

2006-03-05T19:39:00.000-05:00

Gay-penguins, a threat to heterosexuals everywhere, have shocked the sensibilities of the populace of Savannah, MO. The book, And Tango Makes Three, is the subject of controversy at the local library. The book follows the true story of 2 male penguins in the New York Central Park Zoo who formed a pair bond and adopted an abandoned egg together. Two branches of the local library moved the book from the children's section, to the nonfiction area after several parents complained. After the move, the librarian stated that there was less of a chance that "the book would blindside someone." The complaining parents, who seem to believe that reading a children's book about penguins will turn their children into depraved homosexuals, have proved themselves to be spectacular D-bags. Thanks to their efforts, the mouth-breathing fundamentalists of Savannah, Missouri can sleep easily.

Double R

2006-03-04T16:08:00.000-05:00

Ralph Reed's D-bag status is confirmed in this AJC article. It further links Reed with Abramoff while they were working together on behalf of gambling interests. Ralph Reed=Titanic D-bag. View Ralph's MySpace profile here.

Robert Holcombe: Master Criminal

2006-03-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Robert Holcombe tried to kill his wife 5 times for her life insurance money and failed each time. He attempted to:

1. Break the natural gas line to the water heater, hoping the house would explode.
2. Left the car running in the garage in order to fill the house with carbon monoxide.
3. Poison her with Percoset.
4. Poison her with Benadryl.
5. Pay his son to kill her.

His son went to the police and later tape recorded a conversation for evidence. Holcombe blew an inheritance worth about $130,000 at Tiffany's (the strip club, not the jeweler) and was hoping to spend his wife's life insurance money there too. What a classy D-bag. Read AJC story.

The Passion of the Stapp

2006-03-03T12:33:00.000-05:00

It's not exactly breaking news, but Scott Stapp has lost a sex video. He made the video in '99 with Kid Rock and a few strippers. He is suing a production company which has obtained the video with plans to release it for sale. Stapp is so obviously a D-bag, that no further explanation is required. Link to preview of the sex video HERE.

Speech Police D-bags

2006-03-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

The administration of Overland High School in Aurora, Colorado takes the D-bag honors for today. Jay Bennish, an American History teacher at the school was suspended Thursday for violating a school policy that requires "balanced viewpoints" in the classroom.
One of Bennish's students tape recorded a portion of class discussing Bush's state of the union address and played the tape for his father, who complained to the administration. Some comments were made in the discussion comparing Bush to Hitler. This suspension has nothing to do with "balanced viewpoints" and everything to do about the comments that Bennish made about the President. This suspension also rewards smart-ass kids who record classroom lectures and discussions. Bad Idea. My bumbling and inept attempts to contact Mr. Bennish for comment were a failure. Read more here.

The Peoples Republic of Glam Rock

2006-03-02T11:20:00.000-05:00

Paul Francis Gadd, aka British Glam rocker Gary Glitter, is on trial in the Ba Ria Vung Tau Provincial People's Court for molesting two Vietnamese girls. Mr. Glitter pleaded guilty to 54 counts of downloading child pornography in Great Britain in 1997. Bored with molesting British children, Glitter moved to Cuba then eventually Cambodia, where he was expelled in 2002 for trawling for child sex. Glitter moved to Vietnam, about 130km south of Ho Chi Minh City where he applied for permanent resident status. Glitter faces death by firing squad if found guilty. The verdict in the closed trial is expected tomorrow. Glitter is divorced and has 2 children. His other accomplishments include, bankruptcy for back taxes in 1980, an overdose of sleeping pills in 1986, and 3 DUI's. Ironically, one of his most popular albums was titled "Touch Me". Lookin' Good D-bag

Contract of Wifely Duties

2006-03-01T17:59:00.000-05:00

Smoking Gun: Sick "Marriage Contract" One For The Ages.
Any doubt about this guy's D-bagness will be dispelled by reading the link above. Mr. Frey (left) is facing charges of kidnapping his wife with a child pornography charge to go along with it. The "contract of wifely duties" presented as evidence in his trial is disturbingly precise in the details of his expectations.

The Dukester

2006-02-28T17:20:00.000-05:00

Randall "Duke" or "D-bag" Cunningham, whichever you prefer, makes the top of the D-bag list today. Why you ask? Is it because of the disgrace that he has brought upon his party, friends, family, or himself by taking bribes? No. It's because he had the stupidity, or arrogance, to write out a "bribe menu" (left) on his own congressional notepad.

The "menu" was submitted at Cunningham's sentencing hearing on Friday. The numbers in the left column represent government defense contracts in millions of dollars. The column on the right represents bribes in thousands of dollars. The BT is an abbreviation for boat. I'm assuming this is a reference to Cunningham's Washington based yacht, the "Dukester". Bribes go up in increments of $50,000 until the $21 million mark where "Duke" offers a discount of $25,000 per million in defense contracts. "Duke" is facing 10 years in federal prison. His arrogance and contempt for our political system make him a bona fide D-bag.

Kane.......Rob Kane

2006-02-27T22:20:00.000-05:00

Robert Kane is on trial in Anchorage, AK for failing to register an explosive device. He allegedly imported rocket launchers to be mounted on his Czech made Soviet bloc warplanes which his company privately owns. Kane seems to be a con artist who has posed as a Navy SEAL, FBI agent, and intelligence operative. His planes have Commander Kane stenciled below the cockpit. Kane also has a number of military medals in his posssesion even though there is no record of his service in the military. When arrested, Kane had a briefcase whith FBI, CIA, and NSA Id's along with several large checks made out to his aviation company. Kane's lawyer insists that he has done "freelance" intelligence work for government agencies, which of course can't be proven. It looks like Kane used his imaginary life to con people out of money and to be more successfull with the ladies. Importing eastern european rocket launchers proved to be a D-bag idea. Way to go Rob.

Chip's Ahoy

2006-02-27T10:26:00.000-05:00

Today's D-bag is State Sen. Chip Rogers- (R-Woodstock). "Chip" is sponsoring Senate bill 529- "Georgia Security and Immigration Compliance Act." While I am in favor of one part of the bill that sets tough penalties in cases of human trafficking, the rest of the bill seems to be an attempt to collect more revenue from illegals and industries that hire them under the guise of limiting free social services. The law forces employers who hire contract laborers, those who fill out a 1099 form, to provide acceptable I-9 documents (SS card, driver's license, military ID, etc.) Companies that do not comply will be heavily fined. This bill will do nothing to slow illegal immigration in Georgia, it will only limit the employment options and upward mobility of immigrants. It seems to me that those who have less employment options will be more of a burden on social services, which the bill aims to stop by ensuring residency status in the application process. Setting up barriers against assimilation is not the way to address Georgia's illegal immigration issue. It's a D-bag political move. Link to read the bill here.

icoolness

2006-02-24T13:37:00.000-05:00

Apple announced today that iTunes downloads have passed the 1billion mark. This milestone for apple brings us to todays douchebag- Me. I've finally surrendered to the pop culture trend gods and purchased an iPod nano today. This will allow me to completely isolate myself from any social contact with strangers as I will effectively live in my own music world wherever I go. Thanks for making me a D-bag apple.

Family Tradition

2006-02-23T18:56:00.000-05:00

Herman Talmadge III, great grandson of Georgia Governor Eugene Talmadge was arrested today and could be charged with aggravated assualt and kidnaping. He allegedly followed a pizza deliveryman, forced him out of his car, and proceeded to pistol-whip him repeatedly.

Talmadge unsucessfully ran for Henry County Commision Chairman in 2004 and is currently the Assisitant Finance Chairman of the Henry County Republican Party. His lawyer released a statement claiming the incident was brought on by "mania" induced by his medication. This "mania" may run in the family as his father, Herman Talmadge Jr. was arrested for disorderly conduct and a pistol permit violation in early December. Lookin' good Mr. Talmadge. Link to AP story here.

Silver Medal

2006-02-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

Today's first runner up is House Rules Chairman Earl Erhart (R-Powder Springs). Erhart would like to further indenture po' folks by raising the ceiling on interest rates for car title loans. The existing 300% does not seem punishing enough. Way to go Earl.