Dan Brown

OK, so I haven't read the DaVinci Code, but I have read Angels and Demons, and it was a shitty book. The subject may be intriguing, but Dan Brown is a crappy writer. One thing that got under my skin in Angels and Demons was the protagonist, who I assume is loosely (or not so loosely) based on the author. I just don't buy the premise of a nerdy biblical sholar who all of a sudden becomes 007, solves the caper, and gets the girl.

What if he were an accountant? The book would read like this:

Dan Brown was a successful accountant who managed to stay in shape and hold on to his dignified good looks. Dan is thrown into the thick of a murder mystery at Arthur Anderson's International headquarters, with far reaching implications. It turns out that Arthur Anderson is not an accounting firm at all, but a decades old conspiracy to elevate the children of the Third Reich to positions of power worldwide. Dan is the only one with the knowledge of forensic accounting to break the conspiracy wide open. He audits the books and summons more strength and courage than he thought possible, to shatter Arthur Andersons web of lies. To complicate matters, Dan becomes entangled with a sexy female accountant who holds the key to solving the accounting irregularities. In the end, Dan prevails and wins the heart of the woman. They live happily ever after, until the next adventure.

Dan Brown has become a very wealthy man, so maybe I'm the douchebag here. In any case, his books suck.

Douchebag Development

They're gonna build this on Oconee St.? The real douchebags here aren't the developers, but the idiots that buy these condos. The future residents will be very disappointed when they walk out of their complex to take a stroll around the neighborhood. They'll be looking for the usual accoutrements of a mixed use development. Instead, they'll meet some patrons of the nearest package store asking if they have a "loosey." Ahh, good times.

Mike "no fun" Adams

Mike Adams continues his crusade against fun. He's trying to get rid of the "largest outdoor cocktail party in the world" tagline for the Georgia/Florida game. The network that covers the game has already told Adams that they have every right to use the phrase.

Adams has got to do something to help his "crusty old Dean Adams" image. To quote Jeremy Pivin in PCU "It's about the Bill of Rights, basic cable, call waiting, and free trips to the salad bar. It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country!"

Note to Adams: you can call the event whatever you want, but changing the name won't prevent the righteous excess of booze and football, jean shorts, mullets, cheesy music, and sex in the Port-a-John, that is the largest outdoor cocktail party in the world.

I wish I was in the land of cotton...

The guy on the left is racist asshat #1. I'll get to racist asshat #2 in a moment. Winston McCuen is a High School teacher in South Carolina. He's in the news for publicly stating that blacks are intellectually inferior to whites. When asked if he thought slavery in America was a good thing, he said "yes....they were coming out of the jungles, they had been enslaving each other for centuries in Africa, and in terms of being used to rule of law, they knew none of that." I'm fed up with douchebags like McCeun reinforcing the conviction of many people that the south is a backward, cultural vacuum. Unfortunately, there's someone even more embarrassing for the south in the news today.

Racist asshat #2 is Larry Darby, candidate for Attorney General of Alabama. Darby has publicly denied the Holocaust. He thinks he can gain widespread support of Alabama voters by trying to "reawaken white racial awareness." Darby, by the way, is a Democrat. I hope there's a special ring in hell for McCuen and Darby, a place where ABBA is played on loop, the only recreation is jai alai, and the only web browser is Internet Explorer.

Douchebags!

Dbag Roundup: Double Murderer edition

Everyone's favorite double-murderer is in the news today. OJ spoofs his bronco chase on a show called "Juiced." Let's hope he gives the money to the Goldman family as part of the $33 million that he owes them.

Dbag Update: Laura Mallory loses her fight to ban Harry Potter books in public schools. In a rare example of good judgement, the Gwinnett county school system decides that Mallory is full of shit.

Arizona Sherriff's Dept. posse nets a whopping 1 arrest outside of Pheonix. Lookin' good guys, the black ski masks make you look particularly Klan-like.

This Guy

This guy is a douchebag. Well, maybe he isn't, I don't know much about him. I do know that he was voted off of American Idol yesterday to the surprise of millions of viewers.

This Daughtry guy may or may not be a douchebag, but the millions of people who watch American Idol in a trancelike state each week certainly are. Don't you people have anything better to do than watched this manufactured garbage?

Please, go outside, get some exercise, spend time with your kids, learn a new language, read a fucking book. Get off your asses and find something better to do than waste what precious little time you have on this earth watching American Idol.

Sonny Did

You've seen the ads.... Who had the courage to teach Sunday School and marry his high school sweetheart? Sonny did. Blah Blah Blah.

Sonny will be hard to beat in November. Aside from screwing up our school system, Sonny hasn't done much while in office. That's why the ad focuses on Sonny's background and accomplishments before he became Governor, instead of his current record of doing nothing. Good strategy Sonny.
The image above was sent to me courtesy of Publius from AthPo. I've heard several parodies of the ad. My favorites thus far:

1. Who once ate 9.7 pounds of pork barbecue in one sitting? Sonny did.
2. Who singlehandedly solved the mystery of the JFK assassination, but withheld the facts because the public wasn't ready to know? Sonny did.
3. Who successfully prosecuted Sirhan Sirhan for the murder of RFK? Sonny did.

Feel free to comment with your "Sonny did" facts.